1. First off, props to You on the continuing high level of sunsets and waterfalls, (plus my own personal thanks for avocados). You're great at scenery design and foodstuffs, no question. But we do note a problem with that "still, small voice" You're so fond of using. Has it occurred to You that if the volume were turned up just a notch You'd probably get more response? Just a suggestion.
2. This "You are a Prince dreaming you are a beggar" slogan Your people keep running may have a glitch in it. If I'm a Prince dreaming I'm a beggar, who the hell is running the kingdom? Or fitting Cinderalla with shoes?
3. Also, that "Look Within" motto is getting kind of old. Proctologists look within, but they get paid for it. Maybe You could come up with something sexier, like, say- "Eat more ice cream". I'm pretty sure it would improve Your poll ratings.
4. We are fully aware that every corporation needs an axe-man, so we understand perfectly why you chose to hire the devil. But did you have to make him Director of HR?
5. I know You're big on meditation, but I'm getting multiple employee complaints about the nose itches that accompany this practise. Think about it: isn't the itch a wee bit counter-productive? Ease up on that, and we'll all be on the same page.
6. On the forgiveness issue: You ought to know by now that whining is as hard a habit to break as smoking, if not harder. Couldn't you scale it back a bit? Instead of "Forgive everyone" - how about "Forgive everyone except the assholes?"
7. As grateful as we are for Your occasional remissions of disease, I'm sure You are aware that most prayers for healing get zero results. How about we re-negotiate a deal on this one? Issue a total healing and You get a 25% tithe. Do a partial healing and You get 10%. For a slight improvement, You get 3%. For death - You owe us.
8. I know Your schedule is packed, but hey, Dude- we're running out of oil and rainforests. Obviously, You need to be more visionary during the pre-planning stage.
9. On the plus side: everyone is absolutely tickled pink that the Red Sox won the Series. Good job.
10. Your pal Rumi said, "There is a field beyond right thinking and wrong thinking. I'll meet you there." OK, great. But where the hell is it? Are you talking about the 2nd floor Conference Room? A little clarity here would be helpful.
11. All of us are sincerely sorry about that Tree of Knowledge incident where we succumbed to greed and ate the apple. But look: even bank managers sometimes forgive mistakes. This Eden-ban has been going on for - well, centuries! Aren't You carrying the grudge a tad too far? You might want to do some soul searching on this one.
12. Your world-famous mission statement, "I Am That I Am" has been coming under serious question lately. Critics say it strikes them as a wee bit narcissistic. I know branding is important, but maybe You could come up with a more modest bumper sticker, like "I'm kinda nice when you get to know Me."
13. For some time now, You've made Your son Jesus second in command. Not to beat around the bush - doesn't this make You guilty of nepotism? It seems to fly in the face of our current Equal Opportunity policies. Of course, You know best.
14. About that White Light thing that happens during the near-death experience. You've made it so intense and enthralling that people are claiming they don't want to come back. Now we don't mind You doing some PR on heaven - that's just savvy marketing. But could you tone down Your rhetoric a little? It's bad for business when someone like Harvey Green of Accounting gets all addicted to White Light and decides not to show up for work.
In summation: As You can see, You do have a few areas in which we see a substantial need for improvement. But, trust me on this, You are a valued employee. To show You our continuing support, we are happy to offer You some free private coaching from a professional business planner. And yes, You'll find a 3% raise next week in Your pay envelope.